It’s sentences like these:
The iconic Italian disco producer Giorgio Moroder has recorded with Daft Punk, URB reports.
that make me feel all warm and weirdly excited in my girl parts (which I’m borrowing from a friend), and just when I’m beginning to wildly anticipate the Maximum Synth-n-Roll that this ubergroup will be producing, I run head-on into this sentence:
Moroder, whose work includes Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love”, said during an interview at the International Music Summit this week in Ibiza, Spain that he recorded a “rap” for the duo’s upcoming record.
When the annals of Music are inscribed in The Great Book of Rock (And Other Genres), this moment will be listed in Appendix 7-A: How to Make the Least of the Tools Available and offered up as a cautionary tale against being so far up your own ass as to completely miss the real opportunity in front of you and instead grab every fucking mic you have and commence with cobbling together the most pretentious piece of horseshittian electro-wank ever to be committed to 1’s and 0’s (and very likely, limited edition multi-colored TRIANGULAR 180g vinyl).
URB reports that Daft Punk asked Moroder “to go into a vocal booth and speak about his life. In the studio were multiple microphones of various vintages from the 60s to today. When Moroder asked the engineer why they had so many mics, he replied that the mic they would use would depend on what decade of his life he was speaking about. When Moroder asked if anyone would know the difference, the engineer replied ‘They will know.'”
This horrendous misuse of perhaps the GREATEST electro producer ever will redefine the word “squander.” Daft Punk’s attempt to look a gift horse in the mouth and inquire as to whether or not it could perhaps “spit a few rhymes” is a colossal misuse of the Tools Available, comparable to a person dying of kidney failure making their way to the top of the donor list and deciding to use the donated organ as a neck pillow. Or someone receiving 500 much-needed dollars out of the blue and deciding to turn it into a papier mache sculpture of $500. Or an erstwhile handyman who has spent the last hour attempting to bang nails in with the handle of a screwdriver being presented with a newly purchased hammer and, after thanking the purchaser, returning immediately to the hardware store to exchange it for some more nails.
Hey! Daft Punk! If you’re not going to follow Moroder’s specifications and Recommended Uses, why not kick him back to the rest of the musical world where someone might be able to make use of the immense talents he DOES HAVE rather than forcing him into awkward new positions and possibly VOIDING HIS WARRANTY.