A Complete Waste of a Perfectly Good Moroder

It’s sentences like these:

The iconic Italian disco producer Giorgio Moroder has recorded with Daft Punk, URB reports.

that make me feel all warm and weirdly excited in my girl parts (which I’m borrowing from a friend), and just when I’m beginning to wildly anticipate the Maximum Synth-n-Roll that this ubergroup will be producing, I run head-on into this sentence:

Moroder, whose work includes Donna Summer’s “I Feel Love”, said during an interview at the International Music Summit this week in Ibiza, Spain that he recorded a “rap” for the duo’s upcoming record.

When the annals of Music are inscribed in The Great Book of Rock (And Other Genres), this moment will be listed in Appendix 7-A: How to Make the Least of the Tools Available and offered up as a cautionary tale against being so far up your own ass as to completely miss the real opportunity in front of you and instead grab every fucking mic you have and commence with cobbling together the most pretentious piece of horseshittian electro-wank ever to be committed to 1’s and 0’s (and very likely, limited edition multi-colored TRIANGULAR 180g vinyl).

URB reports that Daft Punk asked Moroder “to go into a vocal booth and speak about his life. In the studio were multiple microphones of various vintages from the 60s to today. When Moroder asked the engineer why they had so many mics, he replied that the mic they would use would depend on what decade of his life he was speaking about. When Moroder asked if anyone would know the difference, the engineer replied ‘They will know.'”

This horrendous misuse of perhaps the GREATEST electro producer ever will redefine the word “squander.” Daft Punk’s attempt to look a gift horse in the mouth and inquire as to whether or not it could perhaps “spit a few rhymes” is a colossal misuse of the Tools Available, comparable to a person dying of kidney failure making their way to the top of the donor list and deciding to use the donated organ as a neck pillow. Or someone receiving 500 much-needed dollars out of the blue and deciding to turn it into a papier mache sculpture of $500. Or an erstwhile handyman who has spent the last hour attempting to bang nails in with the handle of a screwdriver being presented with a newly purchased hammer and, after thanking the purchaser, returning immediately to the hardware store to exchange it for some more nails.

Hey! Daft Punk! If you’re not going to follow Moroder’s specifications and Recommended Uses, why not kick him back to the rest of the musical world where someone might be able to make use of the immense talents he DOES HAVE rather than forcing him into awkward new positions and possibly VOIDING HIS WARRANTY.

/s/CLT

nick nicely Two-Pack: Expectedly Pleasant

Two from nicely (voted Most Likely To Be Pre-Judged Based on His Last Name):*:

*NOT HIS REAL LAST NAME. You may have been tipped off by the lack of initial caps or perhaps the fact that an alliterative name is generally never a real name. Born Nickolas Laurien, nicely obviously saw he would have an easier time in the entertainment industry if he dropped his unwieldy original name and switch over to something a bit more memorable. To ensure that the name was doubly memorable, rules were laid down (possibly via press kit) that nick nicely was to remain uncapitalized, much like e.e. cummings before him and ADULT. after him (except for the capitalization on the latter). (Pay attention to that period. Detroit electro duo ADULT. insists [via press kit] that the band name is to be capitalized and always {ALWAYS} followed by a full stop, even if you’re in mid-sentence. Fortunately, nicely isn’t a stickler for explicit punctuation.)

nick nicely – Treeline.mp3

Treeline is a bit of jaunty electronica that lies somewhere between Yello and the late 70’s work of Giorgio Moroder. Full of bright tones and ricocheting sounds, along with some vocal mutation. The b-side to nicely’s debut single (DCT Dreams), Treeline sounds as current as anything else out there today, leading us to one of two conclusions: a.) nicely was ahead of his time or b.) today’s music plunders the past with alarming frequency. The correct answer is “yes.” I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Great music is timeless, even if it’s over three decades old.

nick nicely – Wrottersley Road.mp3

Wrottersley Road is a different beast, kicking off with a surf guitar riff, which gives way to a muffled heartbeat kick drum (the kind of heartbeat that would get you referred to a specialist), before fading in and out of consciousness covered in washed out guitar tones and buried vocals and about a half-tonne of reverb, like some sort of Mad Professor Meets the House of Love collaboration that will never actually happen. And that is our loss, although I’ll probably feel it more than most.

/s/CLT